Friday, October 14, 2005

The Apprentice: Hillbilly Edition

So I have allowed myself two guilty tv pleasures which I count as only one because they are watched in rapid succession: America's Next Top Model and Martha Stewart's Apprentice. I never really liked the normal trumpified Apprentice, but originally I thought that was because I have always, ALWAYS found Donald Trump to be insanely annoying. I was wrong; it is because the contestants are insanely annoying. Sure, some of them aren't, and they aren't on the screen as much. The keep the retards front and center and you have to watch these freaks go on and on and on about whatever the hell stupid idea they came up with. L- was watching the show while I was eating dinner last night so I go sucked into most of last night's episode where I learned that they seemingly recruited everyone at shopping malls in the suburban south. The ladies' team was terrorized by a gaggle of those horrible medium sized perky blonde 'popular' harpy bitches that make everyone look back at highschool with horror. I don't mind a good southern accent; I have something of a drawl myself, but there is this certain kind of trailer park bark that perky evil sorority girls get that makes me wish someone were scraping their nails across a blackboard instead. Don't get me wrong, there are good perky southern girls and evil ones. There are four or five (they are hard to tell apart) of the evil ones on this season's apprentice. They spent last night ganging up on the brown girl to try and shove her in a costume that they knew she hated while they kind of tolerated/ignored the brunette, the black girl, and the much taller and reasonbly sane blonde former pageant queen. Those weird little clicks from hell are one of the things that I am happiest to not have to interact with in NYC. The hipsters can get annoying, but they don't quite have the same herd instict and appetite for blood and destruction that the southern deb squads do. If you want to see what is wrong with America, watch last night's episode and know that we are currently treating those people like they are anything other than selfish manipulative monsters.

On the boys team, there seemed to be a couple of sane people, who didn't get to say much and instead we were treated to a despotic southern closet case with another horrible trailer park accent and a napoleon complex. We get him going on and on to the camera about how he is regulating and making everything work, while they come up with a lame ass idea for some stupid genie thing which is just a thinly veiled excuse for him to talk about women and suggest that the character (to be used to convince children to eat icecream) have big breasts so he can pretend he ain't a 'mo. Yeah, fooled us there, killer. The other conspicuous southerner on the team was a somewhat cute but vapid Kentucky good ol' boy. Seemed nice enough, his accent wasn't as caustic as the other southtards, but why they let him talk into the camera about how wild it was for him to put on a costume that made him into a she. And gotta love how they managed to show as many shots as possible of him in just the skin suit that he put on beneath the costume with him teenie peenie poking out as the closet boy points out his bulge and suggest ducktape. Course country boy don't mind doing drag so long as he can let his pokey little puppy prove its really a man beneath the "big boobs", so he wants none of the duct tape extravaganza.

I was getting ready to go out and try to drink away all memory of this episode, so I missed some in the middle where basically the boys won, the girls lost hard core with their stupid ideas and super clique act. The boys went to play baseball and the girls preened in the suite getting ready to go to the boardroom and leader of this project (and the evil blonde clique) suddenly begins to realize that she was supposed to do something in this assignment besides try and humiliate and boss around the 'deeefrint' girls and that the other girls realized that they lost because the costume sucked and they basically spent the whole episode trying to put the uppity colored girl in her place.

I had all I could take and left so I don't know if the evil minions of hell prevailed and managed to get rid of the little brown thorn in their blond sides or if there is a God in the apprentice and one of them was sent home as a lesson to the other idiots that this is a business challenge, not middle school.

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