Lauren recently chastized me for not having written anything about the recent election and I do have thoughts on all that, but having not written in a while, there are much more important things to write about that I have been neglecting. The brief flash synopsis of the recent political crap is that our country is slowly waking up from this stupid nightmare that is bush co. and sent the republican asshole closet-homotards packing. To that I say, "Nya nya!!!"
To the democrats I say, good show, now don't fuck it up and act just like those chumps. Disagreement is good; Nancy not getting her way is a good sign, not the beginning of the end. Could someone please tell the washington press corps to pull their collective head out of their collective ass?
Enough about politics for now...
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It is tough being a Republican in 2006. Somehow you have to believe concurrently that:
• Jesus loves you, but shares your deep hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
• Republicans are somehow tough on terrorism and American security when their track record clearly shows that they are absolutely not tough on terrorism, or protecting our borders and our citizens.
• It is OK to advocate illegal unconstitutional wars from afar as long as it is someone else or someone elses children who die in vain for that self serving republican cause.
• Republicans are paragons of virtue and morality when they are just the opposite.
• Republicans are a party that is of, for and by the people when republicans are only good at producing presidents who always make laws that favor large corporations, the rich and the elite of the nation at the expense of the middle and lower classes.
• Republicans are conservative while being in favor raiding our nation’s treasury, squandering our nations resources and lives while driving our nation into debt that will last for decades all for self serving unconstitutional republican gain.
• Republicans are for less government when they let their daddies bush and cheney create the largest most expensive, most wasteful government in history.
• Republicans are for less taxes while their daddy bush decreases taxes for the rich and elite while hiding the fact that they increased taxes on the middle and lower classes to offset their wasteful corrupt spending practices.
• Republicans are good stewards with everything when they have actually raided our national treasury and diverted to towards the rich minority in this country while wasting our nation’s surplus and creating the largest national debt in history.
• It was wrong for Clinton to screw outside of marriage but OK for Bush to screw the entire USA and other countries as well.
• It is OK to say “God Bless America” in church and on bumper stickers while the blood of innocent people on your hands flows like water from a faucet on a daily basis.
• John Kerry flip flopped on Bush’s illeagal unconstitutional personal war against Iraq and at the same time, turn a blind eye to the fact that Bush flip flopped on every single thing he promised American during the 2000 presidential campaign.
• A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation.
• The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our highest national priority is enforcing U. N. resolutions against Iraq and Iran.
• "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
• A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying about WMD existence to enlist support for an unprovoked, undeclared war and occupation in which thousands of soldiers and hundreds of thousands civilians die, is, somehow, solid "defense" policy in a "War against Terrorism".
• Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins, unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
• If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
• A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, but then demand their cooperation and money.
• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
• HMOs and insurance companies make profits and have the interest of the public at heart.
• Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
• Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him and Rumsfeld reassured him he was our buddy. A bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him. But, then a bad guy again when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the "war president".
• Iran was a good country when Ford and Rumsfeld and Cheney, along with General Electric, gave them our nuclear technology in the 1970's. Good guys when Cheney did business with them in the 1990's. But, then bad guys when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the "war president".
• Iraq was a good country when Reagan and Rumsfeld gave them our chemical warfare technology in the 1980's. Bad guys when our we authorized their overflights to gas their own population, and then good guys, again, when Cheney did business with them. But, then bad guys when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the "war president".
• It is okay that the Bush family's "Carlisle Group" has made millions doing business with the Bin Laden family.
• Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which should include "banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet".
• The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's illegal insider Harken Oil stock trade should be sealed in his Daddy's library, and is none of our business.
• What Bill Clinton or John Kerry did in the 1960s was of vital national interest but Bush & Cheney's drug and alcohol felony arrests in the '80s are irrelevant.
• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a "spirit of international harmony".
• Affirmative Action is wrong, but it is OK for your Daddy and his friends (here and in Saudi Arabia) to get you to graduate from Yale without studying much; to dodge the draft in the Texas Air National Guard; to bail out your company Harken Oil and the Texas Rangers; to get the Governorship of Texas and then to have the Supreme Court appoint you President of the USA.
• You are a conservative, but it is OK to spend like there is no tomorrow and run up deficits that your grandchildren will have to pay, while at the same refunding as much tax money as possible to rich people who do not need it.
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